I actually wrote this awhile ago... Since I wrote this my mother has also passed away...  I wrote this about a year ago... in 2014... I had my mom read it... she cried.





this is for me..... and only me... i grew up in a household that when I turned roughly 10 I didn't know if we would eat the next week unless my dad went and substituted at my local high school.   My dad lost his job for stealing property from his company and selling it to his clients under the radar so he could provide for his family, for me, for my brother, for my sister, and for my mother.... he did his best to give us his best... to provide and to give us things he didn't have, an education... and I was the only one who got one.  He never knew that I knew that he used to steal from stores either.  He died not knowing that... he died thinking that I never knew he would steal computer games and other random shit to give to me and my brother for christmas.  It's why none of the presents we had never had boxes with them......

I sit in a very different place... a place that I hope he would be proud of... I don't believe in a god... I don't think he looks down on me from a cloud but I hope if he were still here he would think I did well, that I am powerful and that I someone...  I have a masters degree in math... I work for some of the biggest companies of my generation and people from those companies want me to work for them... and beg me to... and let them!

I grew up with very little, shit my mom still has very little and I beat myself up everyday for that... literally everyday I beat myself up for that.... I see people around me buying million dollar houses that their parents "help with" and it pisses me off...   I have nothing but contempt for those assholes... for people that spend money on shit and rub it in your face, out of spite because they are shit... and don't know what it is to have shit, to know what it is scrape by and to push themselves beyond anything they have ever seen or have ever been taught... They are handed everything and I never have been...

They are given everything and they don't know how to fight... they are shit in my eyes and I will rise above them and succeed on my terms... It sounds trite but I honestly want to see them below me in every way... mentally and economically... I will make myself better than they are and I will still be a good person in the end...  I will still give to the less fortunate than myself not out of spite for the assholes but because I have been there! Because I know what it is like... because of what I know my father was... what he could have been... and what we all essentially are...

My children are everything to me... they are the greatest thing I have ever made... I have more than they ever had... and yet they will know how to get it on their own... They will not be handed anything.. they will have to learn how to fight... how to push themselves like I did, like my father did.  The one greatest thing you can give you children is not money, or even the ability to survive, it is the ability to fight and thrive above all others AND yet still be a compassionate giving person.

I will give my children a college education... and that is it... what they make of it is their lot... it is their decision of what to make of their lives....

Wow... Haven't written here in a VERY long time... I've said it before and Ill say it again.. I need to write more.   Not sure where I left off in my life with that post but we live in LA I work in a fashion company and its nice BUT I NEED OUT.

I signed a contract with a company back up in the bay and we are HERE looking for a new place to move back to!  Jen is pregnant with our second little one, potentially getting a directors position with MDA, Connor is getting big and turning into an amazing little person that makes us laugh every day (and cry).  I couldn't be happier.   I feel like everything we've worked for is coming together, like life is paying off for us.  Not that it hasn't in the past but I feel good and optimistic for the first time in a long time... like we have direction.

Im sitting in an apartment in Oakland right now getting ready for bed and ready for a weekend to start looking for places tomorrow.... I am all grins.

There is something about this place.. something about Oakland and the Bay that makes me happy... there is something that even Jen said, "its like you are you and I am me here, its like we are Jen and Jimmy here"...

There is something about a palce that you cant really put your finger on that makes a place a home... the smell, the grit, the memories... etc.  Its a soup of feelings, experiences, of memories, of sites, of smells, etc... I feel at ease here, like nothing can go wrong here. This is our home.


I love this place for all that it is, and all that it has made me.  I love it for its stink, for its dirt, and for the parks and the trees, the clean air, and the memories.  I met the beautiful women that I would eventually spend the rest of my life with, we were married here, we had our first beautiful child here, I grew up here, I became a man here and I want the same for my children.  I know a lot of people wont be able to understand this but this IS my home, its my families home.  Its the place we belong... Dear Oakland... Thank you and I've missed you sooo damn much!

the new the old and the inbetween

so its been 6 months since we moved to socal and while i love my job i cant stand living here. its nice to have some support but i honestly only see a lot shit talking between family, everyone has their own thing going on, which is fine but it doesnt really make me want to stick around all that much not to mention raise Connor around a lot of pettiness. I love my family here but there is something to be said about distance... i can count on my hand the number of times anyone has come over to visit us at our house, i cannot count the number of times ive heard someone talk negatively about someone else in the family. i dont have the strength to even bring these things up to anyone since it will only be met with resistance and more fighting and shit talking... I know they love me, each other and connor, but the whole reason i moved from the east coast was to get away from negativity and apathy and depression...

its funny.. i recently went up north to get my shodan, and did i tell anyone here... no. why? Because i know no one here would give a shit or even care... no one takes the time to listen or to care or to find out what i do... they smile and nod and fain interest... i know how Tamara feels... I feel bad for her... there is a reason that she doesn't talk to anyone.. she will only get judged and have people talk about how what she is doing is stupid or a bad decision. I spent 6 years of hard work, blood sweat, literal tears to get my damn shodan... i was married, dislocated my knee, dislocated both shoulders multiple times, went through grad school and had my son and I still trained, i still worked, i still pushed... I am damn proud of what i did... but i didnt share it with anyone here, minus Jen and Connor... that says something....

and even more so than the family, there are the people here in general... i do like a lot of people at my job, but there are also a lot of others that annoy the shit out of me... people are just not engaged in anything outside of themselves... no one listens to NPR or any news for that matter... no one reads... minus the fashion book (ie pictures), or has opinions on anything larger than themselves... its said and depressing

In Sedona

We are finally back in Sedona.  Its's been about 2 years since we were last here.  Jen was about to burst with Connor being close to giving birth, Chris and Lauren weren't married yet, etc.... It's funny how much has changed since that last time we were here.  The family has grown and shrunk, Dan and Tam broke up recently and everyone, including Tam are little down about it.   Other than that it is nice to be back here and with family...

It's been a long year, Jen and I lost Steph to breast cancer, we moved to socal to work at Revolve clothing, which is an amazing place to work, Lauren and Chris are married, Connor is entering into the "2-s", etc... its been a very long haul and I am glad to just sit by a fire and read a little and let Connor's aunts and uncles play with him and have nice pagne to drink.  We needed this time, but in the same respect I miss my Mom and my family back in MD.

Pics of Cs first week of school

Connors Big Day at Daycare and Preschool...

Tomorrow is Connors first day at preschool/daycare.... I am a nervous wreck.  So far he has only been looked after by family or very close friends or Mommy and this will be his first time amongst a lot of kids his age.  He plays at the playground with other kids and has cousins and what not but this will be a whole other experience.  I am nervous, scared and worried.

I am most scared about him being alone or thinking we left him, or him not making friends with the other kids or him being bullied.  I worry because he is quiet little kid around others kids, he is an observer and a watcher, he is a loving little boy that loves his Jezzy and loves to give kisses to Momma and Dadda.  I am afraid of his little heart getting hurt of him being scared a kids being mean to him and him loosing a little of his innocence.

This is a big step for him and I know he will be ok.  He has a million people that love him dearly and will protect him and teach him that there are bullies in the world and that you cant let those people or little kids make you sad. So while this will be a big step for him, I think however this is a bigger step for his mommy and daddy.

The good and the bad

This may sound funny or nit picky to some, but I just posted a picture of myself on Facebook (when I read this many years later, I may, you may, not even know or recall what facebook is anymore but anyway I posted a picture of myself polishing my boots, drinking a beer, etc.  and said "being a man..".

Thusly and accordingly a few guys posted a "like", and encouraging comments, etc.  Anyway, someone from the Bay Area, my home, (though I live in LA, now, but not for long) said, "what has gotten into you? LA has gotten in to you!".... Ok, so this pissed me off... This person is a women, a women I used to work with through my previous life as a non-profit worker.  This is the VERY thing that a lot of people (even a lot in the Bay Area itself) cannot  stomach.  The hypocrisy of judgement!  What does it mean to be a man? Does it mean that I can embrace drinking beer? Wearing leather, etc.?  Does it mean that women can not do these things as well? or that I believe that they cant?

 I know many non-traditional men, (read GAY) that also enjoy this! SO WHY IN THE FUCK DO YOU JUDGE ME FOR ENJOYING IT AS WELL!? Is it an LA thing? NO! And frankly she doesn't even know me that well, so who is she to comment on "who I am"?  Why do people in the Bay Area feel the need to TRY to call people's attention to things THEY THINK are at odds with THEIR morals, when in fact it isn't and moreover is just shows their own judgemental attitude?  They just don't understand the very things they criticize, just like the people that they judge, just like the very people that they themselves deem uneducated, ignorant, etc... ironic isn't even the word for it... sad, pathetic, shakespearean even.   Anyway... I miss the Bay Area with everything that I am... The weather, the outdoors, the food, the community... and MOST of the people... I need to visit...and maybe talk some damn sense into some people from my former life!

Its been awhile... again...

Now that I am done grad school and back into the working world I will start to update my blog more often, perhaps with some man fashion items, perhaps with some recreational math, and judo.... and obviously pictures of my son and wife!

Til shortly...

A few pics from the Valley and the little man...

Thanks Dan! This is a great link and video!